The Shagadelic Guide to World Domination

With the release of "Austin Powers in Goldmember", Mike Myers has, fittingly enough, established the "gold standard" for media-whoring celebrities. For over three weeks, Mike's bowl haircut and elastic features could be seen EVERYWHERE on the cable dial. Not just the usual late-night TV rounds--any amateur media-whore celebrity can claim those shopworn prizes. No, in today's audience-splintered media universe, the professional media whore has to reach out just a little bit further. If you happened to spend any time channel surfing, you would have seen Mike in various--but likely--places like VH1, MTV, Entertainment Tonight, as well as hosting re-runs of the two previous Austin Powers extravaganzas on Comedy Central.

You also would have seen him in some unlikely places as well. The most horrifying was a 2-hour special Inside the Actors Studio. Yes, one hour might be good enough for Robert DeNiro, Meryl Streep, or Al Pacino. But James Lipton, in order to fully illuminate "the craft of theater and film," saw fit to book Mike Myers for an entire two hours to discuss--in all seriousness, mind you--his monumental achievements in the thespian craft portraying the diverse and meaningful roles of Wayne Campbell, Shrek, Austin Powers, Dr. Evil, and, er, Fat Bastard. I actually think I watched the whole thing, waiting for the punchline, which never came.

The joke, of course, was on me.

Afghanistan: Where Empires Go to Die

(Information courtesy Afghanistan Online)

522 BCE--486 BCE
* Darius the Great expands the Achaemenid (Persian) empire to its peak, when it takes most of Afghanistan., including Aria (Herat), Bactriana (Balk, and present-day Mazar-i-Shariff), Margiana (Merv), Gandhara (Kabul, Jalalabad and Peshawar), Sattagydia (Ghazni to the Indus river), Arachosia (Kandahar, and Quetta), and Drangiana (Sistan).
* The Persian empire was plagued by constant bitter and bloody tribal revolts from Afghans living in Arachosia (Kandahar, and Quetta)

329-326 BCE
* After conquering Persia, Afghanistan is invaded by Alexander the Great. Alexander conquers Afghanistan, but fails to really subdue its people.
* Constant revolts plague Alexander.

1839-1842
* First Anglo-Afghan War
* After some resistance, Amir Dost Mohammad Khan surrenders to the British and is deported to India.
* Shah Shuja is installed as a "puppet king" by the British. (1839-1842)
* April 1842--Shah Shuja killed by Afghans.
* Afghans passionately continue their struggle against the British.
* Akbar Khan--Afghan hero--victorious against the British.
* In January 1842, out of 16,500 soldiers (and 12,000 dependents) only one survivor, of mixed British-Indian garrison, reaches the fort in Jalalabad, on a stumbling pony.

1843
*After the annihilation of British troops, Afghanistan once again becomes independent, and the exiled Amir, Dost Mohammad Khan comes back and occupies the royal throne (1843-1863).

1878
* Start of second Anglo-Afghan War
* The British invade and the Afghans quickly put up a strong resistance.

1879
* Sher Ali dies in Mazar-i-Shariff, and Amir Muhammad Yaqub Khan takes over until October 1879.
* Amir Muhammad Yaqub Khan gives up the following Afghan territories to the British: Kurram, Khyber, Michni, Pishin, and Sibi. Afghans lose these territories permanently.

1880
* Abdur Rahman takes throne of Afghanistan as Amir.
* The British, shortly after the accession of the new Amir, withdraw from Afghanistan, although they retain the right to handle Afghanistan's foreign relations.

1885
* The Panjdeh Incident
* Russian forces seize the Panjdeh Oasis, a piece of Afghan territory north of the Oxus River. Afghans tried to retake it, but was finally forced to allow the Russians to keep Panjdeh, and the Russians promised to honor Afghan territorial integrity in the future.

1907
* Russia and Great Britain sign the convention of St. Petersburg, in which Afghanistan is declared outside Russia's sphere of influence.

1921
* Third Anglo-Afghan war
* Once again, the British are defeated, and Afghanistan gains full control of her foreign affairs.

1979
* Mass killings
* US ambassador killed
* Taraki is killed and Hafizullah Amin takes the Presidency.
* Amin is executed, and he is replaced with Babrak Karmal.
* Soviet Union (Russia) invade in December.

1987
* Najibullah proposes ceasefire, but the Mujahideen refuse to deal with a "puppet government".
* Mujahideen make great gains, defeat of Soviets imminent.

1988--1989
* Peace accords signed in Geneva.
* Soviet Union defeated by Afghanistan, total withdrawal by the Soviets occurred on Feb. 15, 1989.
* Experts agree that at least 40,000-50,000 Soviets lost their lives in action, besides the wounded, suicides, and murders.